Reason for Being.

Empty that’s how I feel. Recently I’ve been feeling despondent, thinking about how different my life is from what it used to be, but still I miss those days when the only ray of light in my day was praise from my father. You’re probably thinking that I’m pretty sad or pathetic but no matter that isn’t really the point. My parents were over protective to the point that I am simply unable to communicate well with others, most people either find me too rude or to excitable, can’t really help it, its as a result of my being nervous I suppose.

Anyway I don’t seek sympathy, just a reason for being. People ask me if having a husband isn’t enough for me. And then some tell me a child will fulfill me, I always ask them “then when the die what do I do? shall I join them in the afterlife as well?” I’ll admit that I was sorely tempted to follow my father, but suicide really isn’t my thing.

I think all this stems from never having to actually thing for myself when my dad was alive. Another side effect is simply not knowing what to do in the future. [I studied business, was supposed to be a lawyer or something] I’m currently in a position where I’m extremely disheartened that after 14 years of schooling I haven’t the slightest clue of what I want to be in the future.

Then there’s the business of having a reason for being. Do we simply exist without one? Going from day to day moving through time with nothing left to prove we were ever there in the first place? And at the end of it all is there an afterlife? or even a heaven or a hell? or even god? Or was it all some thing created by man for man to control the masses?

I suppose I’ll really never know til I die.